Tuesday, 18 November 2014

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 29: A Confession

Confession.... What am I going to confess? I am a very secretive person. It's not my thing to share. Really. Hence, for this one, I think I will be forced to give one. One that is not too personal, merely for the sake of fulfilling the 29th day. 

Seriously, I can't think of anything to share. I'm really super private and I just think that no one is really interested about something I want to share.

Okay. I already said to myself that I don't want to blab about this matter anymore. But, for the sake of this (again), let me share this confession to you. 

I have a childhood crush that up to this very moment I still wasn't sure about what I really felt for him. He was my classmate from first to fourth grade. I guess some of our classmates knew it. Then I transferred to another school during my fifth grade. So, eventually, we parted ways. But I admit, I still have a crush on him even though I didn't see him that often. When I was in high school, this feeling of mine becomes more mature. Everytime I see him, when we went there during vacation and he was also there, I just felt so nervous. I don't know where it all came from. 

I felt completely awkward when he's around. But I just got too loud when he's around. I suppose he knew that I have a crush on him, mainly the reason why I didn't dare to talk to him or I didn't get too close to him. Simply because I don't want him to say that I'm really into him. I'm a still young lady and I know how to behave as one. And our generation was about, "yes, I have a crush on you, but that was it, it was just a feeling, nothing more, nothing less. You don't have to do anything about it." It was just a childish thing.

I can say that I distanced myself from him. I didn't come near him or talk to him, except when we were in a group. I was only waiting for him to talk and approach me first. Since our houses were near to one another, we can see each other most of the time. But that was before. When I see him in a place that I supposed to go, I just stopped myself from going there. I really avoid him that time, I think, but we sometimes play together with my cousins. And I was secretly looking at him when he was afar. That's why he said to my cousin that I was too crabbed, that's why he wouldn't dare to talk to me. 

We may be classmates, but we were just friends in school. I'm really not that comfortable when he was around. I was aware of the girls that he had crushes on,  and it's also clear as a crystal that I am not one of them. One of his crushes was my bestfriend. Since we became classmates, he's very into her. I think they threw a "mutual understanding" when they were in the fifth grade. I wasn't there already, that's why I don't know what actually happened. I just got the news from my cousin who happens to be their classmate. I'm really aware of his crushes and I sometimes tease him to them, yeah, that's how supportive I was.

Though we were not already classmates, I sometimes hear some news about him from my cousin. She told me that he has an eye for someone I also knew, because she happens to be one of our relatives (I think). We were high school when I found about that matter. To cut the story short and since I don't want to talk about them because I really don't have anything to say about them, I think they became a couple. I don't know if until now they were still together. 

So here's my confession, since I became hooked with these different social networking sites, one of the few persons that I first searched and added was him. It was in Friendster, when I first added him and left a comment on his profile. Because that was the trend before, posting testimonials. I first remarked on his page anonymously, but eventually he found out that it was me because I then changed my name. But it was only a short conversation. Then, it was Facebook. Nobody knows that I had two accounts, not until today. I added him and sent him a message. He replied to my first message, in fairness to him. I didn't know if he had any idea that it was me. I used different name and the picture I had there was different. Nobody can tell that it was my account. And so I asked him some random questions. I asked him if he and that girl were already a couple, he answered no, because she still wasn't allowed to have one. That was four years ago, I think. The thing about that is, it became clear to me that he is really into her. I unfriended him when I already got the answer that I'm dying to know and since he's not already responding to any of my questions after that convo. I unfriended him from my two accounts. I know it was too childish. 

It's hard to admit that up to this very moment, I'm still waiting for him to approach me. Up to this moment I still get affected everytime I hear his name. I must admit. Because his name was too mainstream that's why I can hear and read his name just out of nowhere.

Up to this point of time, I still wasn't sure of what I truly felt for him. Only one thing is for sure, I don't want to see him or hear anything from him until the day that I can really say to myself that what I felt for him was just nothing. That this was only some kind of infatuation, that's it, nothing more nothing less. Time will come that I will be totally over him. 

At the beginning, I said that what I'm going to confess was not too personal, but the farthest I write, I just realized that this is something personal. But I've already come this far to stop. I will just finish what I started. And I know he won't read this, that's why I have the guts. 

I need to promise myself that this will be the last time that I'm going to talk about him. I have already accepted the fact that he was just another picture to burn. 

"Somewhere down the road, our roads are gonna cross again it doesn't really matter when."

***credits to: Pinterest, livelovesimple.com and sole owners of the photos I used from WeHeartIt website***

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